When I was asked to be a guest speaker for a Woman’s Event, it came to me as no surprise. It was inevitable that I would be standing up speaking to a group of inspiring women, because this just confirms that I’m on the path God set me up to be. In my heart of hearts I knew for some time that I have a calling that has to do in the line with women. I felt this way about 5 years ago. I wasn’t sure exactly what it was and knew I had to first do the inner work on my own life first.

I grew up with two loving parents which I absolutely adore. They made be believe in happily ever after. In their 53 years of marriage, my parents made married life seem so simple and easy. So when I got married at the age of 25 years, that’s exactly how I went into married life. Thinking now I can relax, I found my husband and I can have my little happy family and home with the white picket fence. Boy oh boy, was I sorely mistaken! My husband was considerably young at the time, 22 years of age. Still finding himself. More so the fact that I molded him into the man I preferred him to be. We were married 7 years before he went back to the States where he was born, saying that he got married too young and that he wanted to do things on his own. This came to be as a big surprise, because here we were, going in and out of hospital going through fertility treatments for 2 years. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome aka PCOS, quite common cause of women infertility, affecting approximately up to 13% of women, and most women does not even know they have it. So basically what I remembered going to the gynecologist almost 3 times a month, was that I would never release an egg. With my first trigger short and time intercourse. Normally one will do a very early pregnancy test. So I get a two lines. We were so happy and I thought to myself at least we don’t have to go the IVF route. After the blood test I remembered my Doctor saying that it was positive but still very early days to tell if it will stick. I was just so happy, because it meant that we will eventually have our baby. A week later, I got my periods. We were devastated. I was so desperate, ended up going every month for trigger shots to when it got to a point my Doctor said that we cannot continue this for much longer. I wanted my baby. It didn’t even bother me that I felt the emotional distance from my husband and knowing that his heart was no longer in it. I thought to myself, if he wants to go, let him, but can I at least have my baby. Kind of mess up thinking, I know. After all, when we got divorced, at least there was no kids involved. But that was not how I viewed it. I felt that who was going to want me now at 32 years old, overweight and my biological clock was ticking louder and louder by the minute. I had a plan. I have about 3 years to meet and marry my next husband to be, so that I have time to still start my family that I so desperately worked hard for. Because they say, after 36 years, chances of having a baby at that age drastically reduces, and needless to mentioned that I had a fertility problem.

So there I was, newly divorced at 32 years. Husband left me, with no kids and a whole lot of debt that I accumulated all on my name. I had to move back to Mommy & Daddy. Now I was given a second chance in “finding happiness”. The modern dating scene was a new concept I had to learn. Meeting playboys after playboys, pushed me further away from finding my husband. From the age of 32 to about 38 years I was just moving from one heart break to the next. I thought that in order to get over the one guy I need to get under another. Very destructive, I know. But I’ve forgiven myself for it. I didn’t know any better then. I only starting comprehending what self-love was really very late into my thirties. What it means to love yourself. I thought as most people did, that it was taking selfies and going on overseas trips and long bubble baths. I came to realize that the fundamental part of self-love is how I spoke to myself. Have you ever listen to how you talk to yourself about yourself? I was becoming my own best friend. A friend that talks to me when I’m feeling down. A friend that speaks to me with kindness when I’ve made a mistake. A friend that pauses when I feel triggered. The relationship I have with myself will be the longest one, it damn well be a good one. Besides the relationship with my Creator. Because without God’s love and his guidance, how else will I know how to love myself.

Self-love is a practice I’ve learned to know. Neither is it something that you just all of a sudden acquire overnight. It is a consistence doing. Sustainable change takes patience and persistence. During my “second chance” in life, I was always searching. Searching for love in another person. The love that I so desperately needed to give to myself, I was giving to other people. I was an over giver, a people pleaser. Making sure everyone’s needs was seen to first before my own. I didn’t know how to say no. I couldn’t find myself saying no to things that my soul didn’t want. I was so use to doing for others that I didn’t even know what I wanted or even needed. I gave to such an extent that if I could not get the love in return, I built up allot of resentment. Because surely if I give so much, you need to give the same. But I was giving with the wrong intend. I was giving in order to get. No surprise that I felt resentment. I started saying no, and experiencing how good it felt saying no. To a point where I saw myself going to the extreme on the other side of becoming selfish. Not caring about how the other person might feel. I didn’t like it that I was becoming this “bitch”. I then realized that it was about finding the middle ground, and learned that this is the hard part of putting yourself first. How to say no, in a way that you are loving yourself and still considering the other person’s needs.

Then I got the desire to start my own personal blog, topic “happiness starts within”. I googled how to start a blog. Followed the simple steps and claimed and paid for the name as soon as I saw that it was available. This was about 3 years ago. I was an over-thinker. Going in circles with my negative thinking. Expecting for things to just change. The thoughts use to keep me late awake up at night, that I barely had any sleep. I didn’t like my thoughts. I didn’t like spending time with myself. I kept myself distracted with work, partying and spending time with others and very little time with myself. The blogging was a tool for me to release the negative spiral thinking. Now I was practicing to observing my thoughts. Most of my writing is about letting go. In order to let go, you need to open your hand. This is only way to receive. Without letting go, you cannot receive the blessings God has bestow on your life. “Letting go is about accepting what is happening right now and not worrying about what will come up tomorrow. It involves much more than just saying you have let go. It’s an internal process that must happen for you to truly feel better and get on with life in a healthy way”

I can honestly say, because of my experience, that there is definitely healing in journaling. I knew I had to be open and vulnerable, but because I was sharing it with the world, my message needs shine in a positive light. Who wants to listen to someone always complaining? This is how I believe I stumbled on my self-love journey. I was beginning to like my thoughts. Yes, I have negative thinking, but now it’s easier for me to change to it being positive. The same way negative thinking is a habit, so is positive thinking. Who doesn’t want to be around someone that is always looking at the brighter side of life? It’s not about being ignorant. You can see that your house is on fire, it is about finding the fire extinguisher to take out that fire. Our emotions are a gift for us to experience and there to guide us. Whenever I feel negative emotions that’s for me is an indicator that I need to change my perspective. When I feel good, I know that I’m on the better path of thinking or doing. But how do you know what feels right or wrong, if you do not allow yourself to experience those emotions.

At 38 years old, I still no husband. I started entertaining the thought of being childless, and what that meant. It meant that no longer did I put pressure on myself or the man I was dating that we need to get married. I started imagining myself being a spiritual mother to more than just one child. I was beginning to like this idea. Society has been telling me all myself that to find happiness, I need to get married and have children. Maybe this is not what God’s plan is for me. Maybe God’s plan is for me to inspire other women. My vision is to see women regaining their self-worth. You know that old saying “Women are the neck, and Men are the head”. I believe that to be so true. The change will happen when we women change.

Last year March, I was diagnosed with stage 2 Breast Cancer. It was aggressive. Went through Chemotherapy and Radiation. A total of 9 months process. I felt God was telling me that now I’m giving you a third chance in life, but this time round, I’m going to use your story to inspire other women. It is no coincident that it’s the same as a baby being born, 9 months journey. I honestly feel like I’m reborn at the age of 41 years. Even my hair has a journey on its own. About a year before I was diagnosed, I was on the transition to going natural. I wasn’t brave and bold enough to do the big chop off. With losing my hair twice due to chemotherapy treatment, I never imagined that I would say that this was the best part of the process. Truly letting go. I had no choice. Exactly 2 weeks after my first 2 weeks chemo section, my hair started falling out. It got too overwhelming, I was now willing to just shave it all off. I was afraid of what I would look like. All my life I thought I had two knobs on the sides of my head, just to discover 40 years later that I have a perfectly round shape head! If you ever felt like just cutting it all off, just do it. I encourage every women to experience what it feels like not to hide behind our so called femininity. Go bald and be bold! Now I’m honestly taking risks I’ve never dreamt of taking before the Cancer. There is lesson in every hardship. You just need to find the lessons and you won’t have any regrets.

I’m great full and thank God for this experience, as it fast tracked my self-love journey. Having Cancer meant I had to take better care of myself. Setting healthier boundaries. Knowing what it felt like for people to respecting my Nos, because finally I was starting to respect myself. I’m far from the person I hope to be and I am taking little steps to get there.